Today you are in for a special treat! I’ve decided it is time I shared my parenting tips. I have, after all, been a parent a whole 13.5 months now, and that gives me the right to boss you around (even if you’ve been a parent longer). In order to keep the blessing flowing, I will be sharing these intermittently on my blog. I’m certain readership will spike and reach epic heights in nanoseconds.
Alright, here we go. Get ready to be parented, parent!
1. Assign your child with a horrendous nickname as soon as possible, and change said nickname at whim. I like to call this “nickname-fusion-confusion”. For instance, in my son Theo’s 13(.5) months on this faire planet Earth, he has been called the following:
You might think I am making this up. I’m not. I have used each and every one, and sometimes all within one minute or so. Yes, my son is confused. What is his real name? He isn’t sure! But he knows darn well that it sounds silly. I like to think this is preparing him to be adaptable and well-adjusted as an adult. I’m sure I am right. There must be some data somewhere to back that up. Maybe I will run my own study. It won’t be biased; how dare you suggest such a thing!
You might notice a general theme among these nicknames. That is because there was an evolution of sorts. It all started with Bonkadoo, and took off from there. “Toesy-Woesy”? How does that fit in? I’m not sure; I can’t account for that one. Just thought it sounded cute! That is the key, after all; nicknames must be cute. And, in addition, a really stellar nickname must have what I like to call “embarrassment potential”. That is, it must be weird and cutesy-pie enough that it would mortify the child if they were 14 years old. That way, when the nickname fails to wither with time, and you find yourself calling out “Poodle!” across a crowded mall when you need to catch up with your teenager, they will be plenty embarrassed. That will be fun for you! And fun, my friends, is what parenting is all about.
And now, to reinforce the magic of this particular tip, I would like to share a photo of my child. Here he is at 6 months or so, enjoying the fruits of nickname-fusion-confusion.